I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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