Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
