You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
