I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
