I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
