don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
