I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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