It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
