He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
