My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
