Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I could make wine with my vomit
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
