wrigley field is MILF paradise
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
