Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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