Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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