I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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