M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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