I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Who died my cat blue again?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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