My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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