Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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