Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
