Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
