i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
