Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My penis needs a shock collar
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
