Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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