I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
