it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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