I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
