New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
