Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
