my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
