k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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