i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
