it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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