If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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