I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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