Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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