Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
there is glitter all over my balls
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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