Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
