fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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