My liver just broke up with me...
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
my poor anus
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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