the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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