If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
