After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
