I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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