You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
