I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
