you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
