i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
