You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
