idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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