I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
